


The Push and Pull of Kindness

by ByTheAngell (SomeLittleInfamy)



Series: Tumblr Prompts [82]
Category: The Last Hours Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Developing Relationship, Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-14 06:33:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28916157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeLittleInfamy/pseuds/ByTheAngell
Summary: Thomas does his best to be there for Alastair, even when things get difficult and even when Alastair keeps him at arm's length. But when Thomas pushes Alastair away, it'll take more than just Thomas' determination to bring them back to each other.
Relationships: Alastair Carstairs/Thomas Lightwood
Series: Tumblr Prompts [82]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1034831
Comments: 6
Kudos: 76





	The Push and Pull of Kindness

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr Prompt: Can I request a Thomastair based on the song, Be Kind by Halsey and Marshmallow?

Thomas wants to believe the best in Alastair, he really, truly does. Despite Alastair’s own actions in the past and the grudges held against him by Matthew and James, Thomas tries his best to be there for him. Thomas can tell that Alastair needs support right now even if he won’t admit it.

See, Alastair confided in Thomas about Charles. Thomas wonders if he’s the _only_ one Alastair told because Thomas can see the way Alastair avoids Charles now and notices the pointed way Charles looks everywhere but at Alastair when addressing them in group settings…. But he thinks he’s the only one who notices. Maybe he’s just the only one who cares enough to look.

“Hey,” Thomas says, catching up with Alastair before he can leave. They held a short meeting at the Institute that Charles was present at, and though he put on a brave face Thomas saw how upset Alastair was as he turned to leave the first chance he got. “Alastair, wait.”

“I’m in a hurry, Thomas,” Alastair says quickly, not pausing.

“I can see that. And I get it. I just wanted to make sure you’re alright,” Thomas manages to say, a bit out of breath from needing to practically run to catch up to Alastair.

“I’m fine,” Alastair says, the words short and empty.

“You’re not,” Thomas insists.

“Then why ask if you already know the answer,” Alastair snaps, stopping to round on Thomas accusingly. There’s heat in his eyes but Thomas instinctively knows it’s not _really_ aimed at him, even as their gazes lock.

“Because I hoped you’d be honest with me,” Thomas admits. “I thought… maybe you’d want someone to talk to.”

“I-,” Alastair starts, and for a fleeting moment of hope, Thomas thinks he’ll agree. Then just as quickly Alastair’s gaze shifts to a spot over Thomas’ shoulder. “I don’t. Go back to your friends, Lightwood.”

Alastair’s cold tone feels like a slap, as does the use of his last name. Thomas wonders if he means it or if he’s just saying it for Thomas’ benefit, so Matthew and James don’t give him a hard time for talking with Alastair.

“I don’t care what they think,” Thomas says quietly. “You know that, don’t you? If you need someone, even just a friend, I’ll be there. Just say the word.”

“I’m fine,” Alastair insists one last time, before turning and walking away.

Thomas watches him leave with a sigh before heading back to his friends. They’ve gotten better at not poking Thomas about his friendship with Alastair, even though they dislike it. Thomas does his best not to glare daggers at Charles, trying not to make it obvious what he and Alastair were discussing, and suggests they leave before he does something foolish.

After that meeting, Thomas goes out of his way to talk to Alastair every day, no matter how often Alastair shuts down any attempt at a serious conversation. He volunteers to deliver messages to the Carstairs family whenever possible in the hopes that Alastair will be the one who answers the door, just to see him. He even bribes Mr. Herondale to put them on the same patrol rotations.

It takes a bit of wearing down, but soon Alastair is beginning to open up to him. Their conversations grow easier and easier until it feels a bit like Paris all over again with the startling simplicity of how well they seem to _fit_. Thomas wants them to be something more than friends, but he doesn’t push it. Right now, Alastair just needs someone on his side, someone he can trust, and Thomas is more than happy to be that person for him.

The only issue is that Alastair refuses to talk about anything serious or meaningful. Any time the topic shifts to Charles or something else Thomas thinks is bothering Alastair, Alastair changes the subject to local demon activity, or the plot of the latest book he’s reading, or something _safe_. They’re getting along great, but it’s entirely superficial, and it’s more than a little frustrating.

Still, everything is going well enough until the day of Cordelia and James’ engagement party when Matthew tells him the truth about the rumors started about their parents. The rumors _Alastair_ started. Thomas doesn’t want to believe it, and even when he knows it's true there’s a part of him that still wants to talk to Alastair about it.

Except, he thinks to himself bitterly in his anger, what good is talking when he obviously can’t trust Alastair to be forthright with him? And it isn’t as if Alastair is willing to discuss anything serious with him, and this? This is as serious as it gets. This is his _family_.

So Thomas allows his frustrations to get the better of him.

Perhaps threatening to punch Alastair if he ever approaches him or his friends is a bit overkill, but Thomas thinks that after a betrayal of this magnitude he deserves a bit of dramatics. Instead of feeling satisfied when he spots Alastair turning with shimmering eyes to leave the party, however, all Thomas feels is _worse_.

He continues to feel worse the next day, and the day after that. He can’t even ignore the pain Alastair is obviously in because Matthew points it out at every turn to revel in it, noting when Alastair skips training and rearranges his patrols to be alone or with Cordelia instead of any of them.

Finally, a week after the last time he spoke to Alastair, Thomas manages to pull Cordelia aside.

“I wanted to ask after Alastair,” he says, doing his best to sound casual.

Cordelia, to his surprise, smiles. “That’s interesting,” she says. “Because he asked after you just yesterday.”

Thomas tries not to show how secretly glad he is to hear that. “Oh?”

“And it seems to me that perhaps the two of you should simply ask one another,” Cordelia continues pointedly.

Thomas looks guilty, and more than a little embarrassed.

“I’m afraid I ruined any chance of that,” Thomas admits.

“I wouldn’t be so sure,” Cordelia replies. “Mother will be out after noon tomorrow, and if you happen to come by I’ll make sure my brother answers the door.”

With that, Cordelia heads back to the others, leaving Thomas to debate his plans for the following day.

\---

Thomas knocks at the door and waits. The longer the knock goes unanswered the more he worries that maybe Cordelia told Alastair he was coming and this is Alastair intentionally avoiding him. Perhaps he could knock again, or maybe he should just leave, or--

Alastair opens the door, takes one glance at Thomas, and looks as if he’s about to shut it in his face a moment later. He doesn’t, to Thomas’ relief.

“Cordelia is busy at the moment,” Alastair says instead, his tone cold. “But you can come in and wait if you must”

“Actually,” Thomas says, fidgeting a bit with the hem of his sleeve. “I’m here to speak with you. If you’ll allow me.”

Alastair considers this and Thomas waits in silence that, despite being only seconds long, feels as if it stretches on for hours.

“Come in,” Alastair says finally, stepping aside to let Thomas enter. “We can talk in the study.”

Thomas can’t help but look pleased with this, allowing himself a small smile in spite of his nerves as he enters the Carstairs home.

“Right,” Thomas says, once they’re situated in the study and there’s no more putting the conversation off. “I guess I’ll start.”

Thomas takes a moment to collect his thoughts.

“I’m sorry,” he says, though the words scream of _not enough_ , they’re the best starting point he has.

Alastair looks incredulous. “What?”

“I’m sorry,” Thomas repeats. “And I’ll say it as many times as I have to until you believe I mean it. I’ve spent so much time trying to convince you that you can trust me and confide in me. Saying I’d be there for you… and then I ruined that in one fit of anger rather than taking the time to talk about it, or even think about it properly first. I know you’ve changed since the Academy, I know that better than anyone, and I shouldn’t have been so quick or so severe with my reaction at the party,” Thomas says. Once the words start it sounds as if they tumble out of Thomas’ lips in a rush. Indeed, he takes a moment to catch his breath after.

Which is good, because Alastair looks as if he needs more than a moment to process all of that.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Alastair says finally. “I should be the one apologizing. What I did back then, what I said- it’s unforgivable. Matthew has every right to hate me for it, as do you, and if I were a better person I would’ve admitted to my role in it sooner. I’d hoped it’d stay in the past, that I’d never have to see that look of disappointment that crossed your face when you found out, even if I deserved that and so much more.”

Their words hang heavy between them. There’s the comfort of the apologies, but this transgression feels too big to be solved by a few words.

“You should know,” Alastair adds slowly. “I wanted to show up at your door every day for the past week and apologize. ”

“Why didn’t you?” Thomas asks.

“Because I wanted to respect your wishes. I hurt you and you needed space and if I could do nothing else, I could at least give you that. For as long as you needed it - forever, if it came to that, though I wished desperately it wouldn’t.”

Alastair’s voice is soft, it’s fragile and vulnerable and everything Thomas knows no one but him gets to see. He also knows how difficult it is for Alastair to admit things like that, even to him.

“I don’t want space,” Thomas admits. “It might take more than one talk to put this behind us, but I _do_ think we can move past this. But we both have to be honest with each other. It won’t work if you can’t come to me with things - _anything_ , but especially things like this. Promise me?”

For the first time in the past week, Alastair smiles, and the sight of it warms Thomas’ very soul.

“Before I might not have been so sure, but I don’t think I could stand to lose you like that twice. I missed you dearly, Thomas. I know I had no right to, that it’s my own fault, but it’s the truth. So yes, I believe that’s something I can do.”

Thomas feels that familiar swoop in his stomach that comes so often when Alastair is entirely genuine with him like this.

“I missed you, too,” Thomas returns. He knows they’ll have to talk about it more, but he thinks they’ve done enough for one day. It’s a good start, and he doesn't want to push too much, too soon.

“I’ve also missed your literature updates,” Thomas continues. Alastair ranting to Thomas about the plot in whatever novel he’s picked up most recently has become a bit of a thing between them, and it’s just the sort of normalcy they need right then, Thomas thinks.

Alastair, who settles back into his chair as if preparing for a long rant, seems to agree.

“Forget the past week - the ending to my last book was horrendous and I’m not even going to bore you with the droll recounting of it. I’m not sure I could stand to relive it,” Alastair sighs. “However, this _new_ book I picked up yesterday seems promising…”

Thomas settles in as well, glad he came here today. He knows it likely won’t be the last time one of them pushes the other away, but now he also knows that’s something they can come back from - something they both _want_ to come back from.

As many times as it takes.

**Author's Note:**

> (Find me on [Tumblr](http://bytheangell.tumblr.com) and also on [Twitter](http://www.twitter.com/By_The_Angell)! <3 )


End file.
